You see, I feel like when I write a blog, I need to be giving you words of wisdom, lessons that I have learned along my journey that might give you insight into how you can become a better you. I was reminded yesterday that people can more easily relate to where I came from than where I am at today and that makes perfect sense to me. Where I am today in many ways likely feels like an unobtainable goal to many, I know it did to me in my early recovery. The reality is that as good as my life is, lately I have been struggling with what I know God has called me to do.
Early in my recovery it became quite evident to me that God had placed a calling on my life that few if anyone is willing to take on. In fact, if I had known what it was as a teenager I would of flat said no thank you. I realized early on in my recovery that all I had gone through in my life, everything that I had questioned; the abuse I endured, my addictions, my marriages, my affair and my business experience, was all a part of Gods ultimate plan for my life, to help others, especially men that had been sexually abused and struggled with all the consequences of being abused. Not only I am to help men, but women, families and couples. Genesis 50:20 is my life scripture and says it all - You intended to harm me, but God intended it all for good. He brought me to this position so I could save the lives of many people.
Even knowing the calling God has placed on my life, I sit here today full of uncertainty of what exactly it is God wants from me. There are so many doors opening up, yet I feel frozen in time not being able to move forward. Every time I hit an obstacle it feels as though the whole world is against me, which I know is not true. Early on in my recovery I looked at these times as walking down a hallway to a new doorway that led into endless possibilities and I still see them in the same way. Every time I would enter a new hallway the hallway seemed wide and the walk was easy. However, the further down the hallway I walked towards the next door, the tighter and harder the journey becomes. When I finally reach the end of the hallway and open the door and begin crossing the threshold into the next part of my journey, I am met with a tremendous amount of resistance. I know that is because my breakthrough is about to happen.
Another way to look at this is that I am climbing the spiritual mountain towards God. And along the path I will walk through meadows of wildflowers and peace. I will visit lakes of serenity and enter valleys of darkness. It is in these valleys of darkness and hallways where God is doing his best work on me, He is circumcising me, cutting away the pieces of my life that no longer serve me, and preparing me for what lies ahead. It is during these times that God is molding and reshaping me. It is during these times that I struggle with uncertainty. The closer I get to entering into the next phase of my growth, the harder the journey gets. Often times I just want to quit, run far away. It is during these times that I must learn to rest and trust that God is only removing the scars of my past in order to mold and reshape me the way that I can best serve him and my fellow man. I must be patient with Him as He will only do as good for me as I allow him to do.
As I move forward on my spiritual journey and pursue Gods calling on my life, I will learn to quit fighting and pushing things when I get to a point of uncertainty and wanting to quit. It is during these times that I must rest and allow God to do the work that is necessary to move me forward in a positive and loving way. I have been through many of these times in the past thirteen-years and I am certain I will encounter many more.