One of the best ways I found to address these issues is through an interaction with my inner child. When my therapist first introduced this idea to me, I believed she was off her rocker. However, it proved to be one the most healing parts of my journey. The best way to do this is by doing non-dominate handwriting. You can read about it in my book Healing The Wounded Child Within and its accompanying workbook – 7–Day Challenge.
As I was going through my old files and journals, I ran across some of the inner child writings I had done that helped me in my early recovery. I want to share some of these with you in hopes that it will help you to move deeper into your recovery. This will be a four- or five-part series.
Little Randy (LR): I’m 10-12 years old, what do I say, what do I say? I’ve said so much. I’ve talked so much. I do not know what I have left unturned. I’m stuck…stuck…stuck…. oh, the beach. Remember that cold winter day on the beach with Rene (my stepmother) and dad. It was so cold, but I didn’t care because I was having fun digging for clams. Rene telling us that when we had enough clams, we could make fresh clam chowder have hot coco and get warm in dad’s camper. I miss my dad so much. (AR)Even today, fifty-one years later, I miss him terribly.
Sometimes I just need to sit and remember and savor those times I had with dad at the beach and the oil fields where he rode his Suzuki 80 that he painted Candy Apple Red. He had a piece of carpet he would put on his gas tank and Rene’s poodle would sit on and ride with dad. I know dad loved me. I wonder if he misses me like I miss him. I wonder if he is as proud of me as I am of him. I wonder, wonder, wonder….
(LR) speaking to Adult Randy (AR): I love it Randy when you’re riding your bike or walking and you allow me to smell the trees and flowers, feel the coolness of the shadows of the forest. The feeling of the morning sun against my face. Randy let me write please. Let me feel, let me be a kid when I need to be a kid. I respect you as an adult, you’ve helped me so much, now let me help you to live. You can still be a kid, the kid you were never allowed to be because you were too busy taking care of and looking after your brother.
Mom was never around because she was too busy working and taking care of her own needs. She was too busy working. She was so mean to dad that he left her. Because she was too busy working and doing other things. I had to cook dinner for my brother, do the dishes and clean the house. All stuff that mom should have been doing. I was never allowed to be a kid. I can’t be mad at dad. I don’t want to be mad at dad. Should I be? I want to know.
Adult Randy talking with my inner child: (AR)Do you want me to answer that now? (LR) I know you know why. Why do you want me to tell you now? Because as an adult you know the answer, but you have not explained it to me. Then is it my turn to talk to you? Yes.
(AR) As an adult I asked that same question over and over. Remember when dad died, and you asked, why dad? Why a good person like dad died rather than a person like Charlie Manson? Well there’s no easy answer. Even though I understand today, it took me a whole lot of questioning and more questioning for me to understand. See there is a God, our heavenly father, the creator of all mankind and earth. Before we are ever born, He has our entire life planned out. Even the bad stuff. You see, we can’t always know why things happen to us. However, God does.
He created me in His image. He knew that as an adult what I would be facing, and he planted the seed of courage and strength within me before I was born. God knew that I would need courage and strength to endure what laid ahead of me. He knew the amount of pain and suffering I would be enduring in my life, therefore He equipped me to endure it, just like his Son Jesus did.
It hurt God to see me being hurt and suffer. In the same it hurt Him to see His Son being hurt. However, he needed me to experience the pain and suffering in order to fulfill His calling on my life. He knew that I would be a man of courage and integrity when I grew up. He needed me to experience all that I did so I would know what others were going through, others that had been abused and suffer the pain that abuse causes. Other men that lost their fathers and are fatherless. Someone who knows what it’s like to feel all alone and broken.
God knew he would be using me to help other men. God knew I would be strong enough to stand up against society and its ignorance of abuse. God knew I was going to be a courageous and strong warrior. My battles are not over, my pain is not over because I know the pain and suffering others are going through. There are going to be times it hurts so bad I’ll want to quit. I want to ask you something LR…. sure. (AR)Please don’t let me quit. Remind me what we are doing this for. Remind me of the pain and suffering I went through. The pain and suffering they are going through. Remind me that if I help only one person, one kid from the pain and suffering caused by abuse, I’ve succeeded.
(AR) I want to tell you how proud I am of you for believing in me when I speak. For not running away from your fears. I want you to know that I will honor your pain and fears. If something ever gets to be too much, we can retreat to a safe place. Go for a walk on the beach, play with Tuck, play my guitar. Be gentle with you. I need and want you to feel protected and safe. Oh, and most important, that God I was so mad at for so many years, that God I ignored except when I was in trouble or needed something…. that God is our father our protector, and we need to really start trusting and leaning on Him. We must honor him in all we do and thank him every day for what He has done for us. We have a great life with a beautiful, wife, children, and five grandchildren. I want them to be as proud of you as we are of dad.