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<![CDATA[Courageoushealers.org - RANDYS BLOG]]>Sun, 15 Mar 2026 05:45:17 -0700Weebly<![CDATA[Discouragement - A Silent Spiritual Killer]]>Thu, 29 Sep 2022 20:15:13 GMThttp://www.courageoushealers.org/randys-blog/discouragement-a-silent-spiritual-killer

It has been quite a while since I have written a blog. I suppose I have several reasons for this. The reality is, it gets frustrating when I am writing blogs, doing podcast, and working on starting my coaching business and I am not seeing the return on my investment of time. One reason I believe for this is because of our subject matter. We discuss all things having to do with child abuse, addiction, spirituality, and marriage issues. Yes, we talk about the problems/issues, but we also focus on the solutions. I am sorry to disappoint some of you, but not all solutions to our unresolved child traumas, addiction and marriage problems are solely in the bible. Yes, we must pray and yes all scripture is important. The problem is that to many the pastors and leaders in this world rely on the words – you just have to pray and read the bible more. Unfortunately, most know very little or nothing about human psychology. In fact, many of them have done and continue to do more harm than good. The reality is that unless we get the root of our problems, pull out all of the weeds and their roots, the problem will always be with you.

My wife Cathy and I have worked with quite a few individuals and couples. It is only when they start digging into the soil of their past, get the tools out we provide for them and start digging up the roots, that they can start healing from the inside out. Not addressing the root cause of our issues only leads to manipulation, rebellion, and ultimately spiritual or physical death. Believe me when I tell you that over the last 16+ years I have seen more than my fair share of spiritual death, which has ultimately led to physical death. Some of these were good friends of mine. It is my belief that there are pastors and therapist that look down on us, why? Because we speak truths, we don’t tap dance around with people’s lives and emotions. We tell the truth, not what they want to hear or think they need to hear. For the many that have worked with us, their lives have gotten exponentially better and their lives continue to grow and flourish. For those of them that were afraid to do the work, the consequences have been the same or worse with no growth.

Recently we were going over the S.Y.M.B.I.S. assessment with one of our clients. She was very offended by what the assessment said about her. She just didn’t see it. That night she thought and stewed about all night. The next day she called my wife and talked with her about. By the end of their conversation, she was able to see that the assessment was correct. It was not because my wife told her it was, it was because they conversed about it. Our client was able to speak her truth, and in doing so, my wife was able to ask curious and thought provoking questions. Our job as coaches, mentors, or therapist is not to tell our clients what they need to do, how to think, or what they are doing wrong. Our job is to have empathy, listen with curiosity and ask thought provoking questions. We have had more success this way than I ever thought possible.

At this time, you might be asking yourself, Randy why are you discouraged? That is a very fair question. Let’s look at where my discouragement comes from? It is a residual of my childhood trauma, particularly spiritual abuse. My perpetrator instilled so much self-doubt in me over the years I was abused, yet in one way it pushed me to be very successful. Along with the church that not only knew about the abuse, but did nothing about it and in fact allowed it to continue after they were made aware of it, I felt my life was of no value. I was discouraged at every corner I turned. After seven years of twice a week therapy, surrounding myself with people that believed in me for the past sixteen plus years, my discouragement seemed to disappear. Yes I have endured many disappointments, however I was able to easily overcome them. However, over the last ten years and especially in the last two years I have faced several discouraging situations.

Where have these come from? The first was when I was cut off by the “It Happens to Boys” group I was a part of and help grow. This situation I was able to overcome fairly easily as my mentor and wife had both told me that I had outgrown the group. God was calling me to dive into my foundation, life coaching, and podcasting. What I have discovered over the past several years is that of all the abuse I endured and overcame, spiritual abuse is the hardest to overcome. After thirty-eight years of turning my back on the church, six years into my recovery, I decided it was time to go back to church and let the past hurts of my childhood pastors go. Although I was hesitant, I walked into our church in August of 2012.

Once I felt comfortable, my wife I became of service as greeters for about eight years. Eventually, after discussing it with the lead pastor, we started Celebrate Recovery (CR). We grew slowly over the next 5 years, although it felt as though I was fighting an uphill battle with the pastor and his staff, but Cathy and I kept our heads down and forged forward. Eventually due to circumstances surrounding CR’s methods of operation, and of course the pandemic, we made the decision to shut down CR. Our pastor asked me to write a new curriculum for a Christ centered recovery program, so myself, my wife, and two other couples dove into the process. After about six months of meetings, reviews and edits, we were done.

I called a meeting with our pastor to present the final curriculum to him. The first thing I asked was if he was 100% in with the “New Recovery” curriculum, no holds, all in. His answer was an absolute yes! He elaborated how we would do videos to introduce it. How I would talk from the platform about the new ministry. He said it was going to be a big deal. One thing our pastor loves to do is exaggerate everything as being grandiose. One thing I have learned is that I must have a complete plan before I present anything to anyone, including the pastor. What this meant was that that I had a few things I still needed to do prior to launching the new recovery curriculum. These additional task were going to involve the creative team. When I approached the creative team to get the process started, I was told they did not know anything about it and that they didn’t have time for me. When it came down to it, our pastor was no where to be found to help and make it happen. Again the pastor had lied to me, creating this hurt and disappointment I was feeling, much like my pastor of my old church had also done. He had no intentions of going through with the new recovery curriculum. Yet another lie and disappointment brought on by a “supposed great leader” of a church. More spiritual hurt and abuse again.

There had been several times over the ten years I was at our church that I wanted to leave. I saw to many things that were not adding up and heard to many lies come out of pastors and leaders mouths, however God would not let me go. He had me planted us there for a reason. So, it finally came down to me calling out the pastor on his terrible leadership skills. A note here, I had had several conversations with him, all of which only led to let downs and disappointments. So, I knew talking with him again would prove to be unfruitful. Everything I had discerned, everything God had revealed to me about the pastor had come true. No more recovery talk, no more leadership roles, no more speaking from the platform.

Once again the church along with several pastors and leaders have shown their true colors to me, and it hurt like hell. I speak the truth and people for the most part hate when the truth is spoken. The truth hurts, that pain is what leads us to healing if we so choose to accept it. At a young age I had my truth robbed from me by an abusive stepfather, mother, and pastors. My truth will no longer be silenced. That is why I’m writing this. It is not to destroy anybody, it’s to set me free. For about six months I have been holding onto this crap in my head and heart. I no longer want any part of this hurt and disappointment. It is destroying my spirit in the same way my abusers, as a teenager destroyed my spirit. Remember, we have choices, I chose to remove myself from yet another toxic environment, which unfortunately was the church.

Today I am choosing to let my disappointment and discouragement go. It is getting in the way of what God has called me to do and I have no room for it. I’ll give all this to God and let him handle it. The church, pastors, and leaders have done me wrong, however God has always had me in the palm of his hands. He has always been there for me when I have called out to him. As one of my mentors once told me, Randy, God has not brought you this far to drop you on your head and abandon you. So onward and upward with God leading the way.

]]><![CDATA[Regret]]>Thu, 14 Apr 2022 20:29:26 GMThttp://www.courageoushealers.org/randys-blog/regret

At some point in time we have all done things we have regretted. Some of us might even be living in a state of regret long after the regretful incident has passed. At some point in our life, we must move past the point of regret. So, what exactly is regret? Regret is to feel sorry or dissatisfied about something we have done or said. What if I was to tell you that regret is just another tool or life lesson we can use to better our lives. What if regret was just a way to show the offended person(s) how sorry you are? It has been my experience that when I have offended someone, real or perceived, I must simply make an amends to them immediately. Amends is different than an apology in that it not only words, it requires action on the offenders part. So rather than living in a state of regret. Instead of regret, let’s look at what we learned from our offensive action and how do we rectify it.

The first step is to own whatever it is that happened. It happened and the choice you made, the thing you said, and the direction you went didn’t work out. It is done and over with and nothing you can say or do will change that fact. Remember, you are only human and no matter how much you prep for an event, lecture, or presentation, you are bound at some point in time to veer off your plan with not so favorable results. Instead of beating yourself up or living in a state of regret, what did you learn from it?

Once you have owned it, it’s time to look at what you have learned from the incident. Take an objective view of what happened. Why is it that you made the choice or decided to change the course of you planned lecture/presentation? This is a time to get a critique from a mentor and look with an open mind what you could have done differently and will do differently. Maybe it is as simple as gathering more information, taking time to rehearse it more thoroughly, or not letting others influence you at the last minute. Next, be sure to write everything down to review as you prepare for your next event,

Take this opportunity to write out what you’d like to do differently next time. If you are regretting a financial decision, educational decision, choking on a lecture or presentation, quit focusing on “ what if I had. “ Remember the past is gone, the event is over and there is nothing you can do to change what happened an hour ago or yesterday. Instead, learn from our past actions, focus on “what you want.” The only reason you should be looking at your past is to learn what went wrong and how to do it differently next time. If we look at every person we come into contact with as teacher, and everything that happens to us as a lesson, we’ll be much happier in the end.

Lastly become entrance by today, focus on this moment. Turn your attention to your senses. Focus on the smells, taste, and hearing, Enjoy at a greater level whatever it is you are doing now. Become fully engaged in the world around you. Do not let the past cloud the beauty of today. Little kids dancing carelessly, playing on the playground without a worry in the world. The freedom of the birds floating effortlessly through the air. I myself have always loved sunrises and sunsets. The beauty of Gods art work. About a year into my recovery we were heading west on a road in town, right into the sunset. It was absolutely stunning. I looked to my wife and asked her if the sunsets have always been that beautiful out here. She looked at me and said, “yes, you have just been missing them.” You see, I was so busy concentrating on my past and worrying about the future, I was seeing the sunset, but not the beauty in it.

How much of lives beauty are you missing out on living in regret. If you look at everything you perceive as being wrong or a mistake, and instead look at it as lesson and how you might do things differently, you will likely start seeing the world through a new pair of glasses. Just follow the four simple steps I have lined out above and start living a regret free life.

Click on link below to listen to a podcast of this Blog.

Healing Courageously Podcast - Regret

]]><![CDATA[April is National Child Abuse Prevention Month – Part 2 – Who Are the Perpetrators?]]>Tue, 12 Apr 2022 21:55:22 GMThttp://www.courageoushealers.org/randys-blog/april-is-national-child-abuse-prevention-month-part-2-who-are-the-perpetratorsWith April being National Child Abuse Prevention Month,(NCAPM,) I am dedicating my blogs and podcast around subjects I find important to talk about when it comes to child abuse/neglect. The first week is What is Abuse? Week two, Who are The Perpetrators? Week three, Signs of Abuse. Week 4, How Can you Help? Abuse/neglect come in all different forms. Abusers can be anyone from parents to pastors and everything in between. In my case, it was my mother, stepfather, pastor and youth pastor.

What is an Abuse Perpetrator

An abuse perpetrator is anyone who purposely causes harm to another or allows for harm to be done to another. Perpetrators of abuse can be the abuser in domestic violence situations, or they may be parents or caregivers who are causing harm to their children. Perpetrators of abuse might also apply to individuals who abuse animals, the elderly, or the disabled. (Caevp.org)

Who are the Perpetrators?

•       93% of juvenile sexual assault victims know their perpetrator, 34.2% of perpetrators were family members, 58.7% were acquaintances and only 7% were strangers to the victim. (Megan’s Law and Crime Victims Center)
•       Offenders are overwhelming male, ranging in age from adolescents to elderly (The National Center for Victims of Crime)
•       *Nearly 70% of child sex offenders have between 1 and 9 victims; at least 20% have 10 to 40 victims. (Elliott, M., Browne, K., & Kilcoyne, J. (1995). Child sexual abuse prevention: What offenders tell us. Child Abuse & Neglect, 5, 579-594)
•       *An average serial child molester may have as many as 400 victims in his lifetime. (http://oldsite.d2l.org/KnowAbout/statistics_2.asp)
•       It is estimated that women are the abuser in about 14% of the cases reported (The National Center for Victims of Crime)

•       “…Most men who molest little boys are not gay. Only 21 percent of the child molesters we studied who assault little boys were exclusively homosexual. Nearly 80 percent of the men who molested little boys were heterosexual or bisexual and most of these men were married and had children of their own.”
•       (Abel, G. (1987, August). “The Child Abuser: How Can You Spot Him?,” Redbook, 100.)”

Abuse of all types occurs on a daily basis in homes all across America and throughout the world. And as you can see above the perpetrators or either family members or friends. Most if not all perpetrators have one thing in common, they are considered to be outstanding citizens of their community, church and family. The people you would least suspect are the ones to suspect the most. My perpetrators were my stepfather a deacon in the church, mother a member in church choir, pastor, youth pastor, and babysitters. People you would not suspect.

Below are a few characteristics of abuse perpetrators:

Low self-esteem or self-concept, believing themselves to be worthless and unlovable
Think that solving problems with violence is fine
Display cruelty to animals
Has rigid stereotypical gender or racial viewpoints
Can be overly critical
Are controlling
Are impulsive
Explosive temper or easily angered
Have problems with excessive annoyance, explosive temper, or becoming easily angered
Are manipulative—begs for sympathy from others, apologizes with gifts, threatens to take away financial support or the kids, constantly promises to change without showing any follow-through\
Blame others for their negative emotions and problems
Have unrealistic expectations of the victim to meet their own emotional or physical needs
Make threats of violence
Have a history of childhood physical, emotional, verbal, or sexual abuse
Have substance abuse issues
Becoming overly angry and emotional after drinking or using drugs
Humiliate the victim in front of others

If you even suspect a child is being emotionally, physically, spiritually, or sexually abused, please start asking questions and more importantly, call the authorities, let them sort it out. We must quit sweeping this under the rug and start standing up for our children.

To read more on abuse get my book “Healing The Wounded Child Within” available on Amazon

Click on link below to listen to a podcast of this Blog.

NCAPM Part 2 - Who Re The Perpetrators?

]]><![CDATA[April is National Child Abuse Prevention Month – Part 1 – What is Abuse?]]>Sun, 10 Apr 2022 22:00:49 GMThttp://www.courageoushealers.org/randys-blog/april-is-national-child-abuse-prevention-month-part-1-what-is-abuse
With April being National Child Abuse Prevention Month,(NCAPM,) I am dedicating my blogs and podcast around subjects I find important to talk about when it comes to child abuse/neglect. The first week is What is Abuse? Week two, Who are The Perpetrators? Week three, Signs of Abuse. Week 4, How Can you Help? Abuse/neglect come in all different forms. Abusers can be anyone from parents to pastors and everything in between. In my case, it was my mother, stepfather, pastor and youth pastor. More on the who the perpetrators are next week. Today, let’s look at what abuse is.

Abuse of any type occurs when someone has power over another and uses that power to hurt. Physical abuse means that someone exercises physical power over another, causing physical wounds. Sexual abuse means that someone exercises sexual power over another, resulting in sexual wounds. And spiritual abuse happens when a leader with spiritual authority uses that authority to coerce, control, or exploit a follower, thus causing spiritual wounds.49

Out of all of the different types of abuse, I am ask mostly about spiritual abuse. Other than the kind mentioned above, I am going to explain, in my opinion, the one that is by far the worse. The minute a child is abused, emotionally, physically, or sexually, the spirit of the child has been assassinated. In most cases, not all, that child will never be the same. Intrinsically our innate God given survival skills kick in. These survival skills are a way of protecting the inner child within us. For years, these skills can sustain us. Over time these skills are refined and we learn to do whatever it takes too protect our inner child. While these skills do help us to survive various traumas and tragedies in our lives, at some point they start working against us. This is the point that we must choose either to seek professional health or one continues down a path of emotional and spiritual death. Next, lets look at some statistics.

According to Statista Research Department, Jan 26, 2022, The United States has one of the worst records among industrialized nations – losing on average 5 children every day to child abuse and neglect. In 2020, the child abuse rate for children aged less than one year stood at 25.1, indicating that 25.1 out of every 1,000 newborn children in the United States were victims of child maltreatment. This was the highest rate of child abuse among all age groups in that year. It decreased to 11.2 per 1000 by the age of 1 year old and by the age of 17 decreased to 3.6 per 1000.

According to U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, Approximately 70 percent of children that die from abuse are under the age of 4 and according to the United Nations Educational, Scientific, and Cultural Organization (2005), physical violence is often accompanied by psychological violence. Insults, name-calling, isolation, rejection, threats, emotional indifference and belittling are all forms of violence that can be detrimental to a child’s well-being, especially when it comes from a respected adult such as a parent.

Now let’s talk about sexual abuse
As I was doing my research on statistics of sexual abuse and abuse over all, I discovered only one consistency in the statistics. They are not consist in any way. So the list I have put together is a combination of what I found to be the most common and consistent with my experience of talking with and working with hundreds of people over the past 16 years. I have also included the source of my information with these statistics.

1:3 girls and 1:4 boys are sexually abused before the age of 18 (Lisa project 2010)
One in six boys before the age of 18 are sexually abused (1in6.org) – taken from a report by Jim Hopper, Ph.D., Sexual Abuse of Males (1996)
A study released in 2005 by Johnson et al. – found that 59% (1:1.7) of their samples had been sexually abused – 100% of abuse victims had reported some use of drugs
Less than 10% of child sexual abuse is reported to the police (Megan’s Law and Crime Victims Center)
80% of men that have been sexually abused have a substance abuse history (as reported by the Mental Health Association in New York State Inc.)
Children are most vulnerable between ages 8-12 (Megan’s Law and Crime Victims Center)

Abuse of any kind can be a life altering event, in a bad way, for many people. If not addressed at an early age it will affect their lives in ways they cannot see when stuck living in their victim roll. It will tear families apart. Cause devastating financial situations. Destroy marriages and cause mental illness in individuals. As a society we must come together and be a part of the solution. The first part of that is to own our part in complacence, quit living in denial, reach out for help, and become an advocate for abuse survivors.

If you are a survivor, male or female, parent or guardian, I encourage you to read my book – Healing The Wounded Child Within – it provides tremendous insight as to what goes on in an abuse victim/survivors head and how you can better help a survivor or yourself.

Click on link below to listen to a podcast of this Blog.

NCAPM- Part 1 - What is Abuse? Podcast

]]><![CDATA[Coping Mechanisms]]>Sat, 05 Mar 2022 17:40:00 GMThttp://www.courageoushealers.org/randys-blog/coping-mechanismsAre you aware that we use dozens of coping mechanisms every day, consciously and subconsciously, to minimize stress and to solve our personal and interpersonal problems? What are coping mechanisms? According to the American Psychological Association (APA,) a coping mechanism is a conscious or nonconscious adjustment or adaption that decreases tension and anxiety in a stressful experience or situation. Coping skills can be maladaptive or constructive, ranging from abusing alcohol, drugs, or sex to meditating, praying, or playing a musical instrument.

Maladaptive Coping Mechanisms
Maladaptive coping skills are not only unhelpful, they negatively impact our mental wellbeing. Such behavior prevents us from engaging in stressful situations - mentally, physically, or emotionally - and can lead to social isolation (Thompson et al., 2010; Enns, Eldridge, Montgomery, & Gonzalez, 2018).

As a survivor of several forms of abuse as an adolescent, teen, and young adult, I developed a number of maladaptive coping skills. These maladaptive skills were also survival skills that helped me well into my middle age years. I have listed two of these maladaptive skills that I used here. Escapism - We tend to carry such a large load of pain that every little cut and scrape can seem unbearable. When the pain exceeds our ability to handle it, we bail out, even when the situation is not truly dangerous or upsetting. Some obvious and well-known examples of escapism include abusing drugs and alcohol, cutting, sexual addictions, and overeating.

Another popular coping skill, especially for survivors of abuse, is Denial. The coping skill of denial and minimizing can look a lot like self-blame. Rather than blaming yourself, however, you talk yourself into pretending that everything is fine. To make it through each day, children often need to believe that what is happening isn’t “abuse” but just “part of growing up.” I hear this kind of statement from nearly every survivor. They do not want to look at the perpetrator, especially if the perpetrator was a family member or friend. I was one of those people for many years.

Constructive Coping Mechanisms
According to the APA, Constructive coping strategies are task relevant and action oriented and are divided into one of three categories: problem-focused coping, emotion-focused coping, and appraisal-focused coping. They rely on realistic assessments of stressors and available coping resources. Their use is associated with better physical and mental health outcomes than the use of other strategies

Now, on the other hand I did have some good coping skills that I developed, although I had no idea that is what they were. Here are two of those skills that stand out to me even today. I loved to surf. When I was surfing I felt safe. My abusers could not touch me, harm me or abuse me in any way. Often I would stay out in the water way after dark in order to be in the house as little as possible. I felt at peace and safe, one with God while surfing. Another skill I utilized was taking my dog and going for a walk in the hills that surrounded my house. We had a spot overlooking a 180 degree view of the ocean we would go and sit among the golden foxtails with the wind and warm sun embracing our faces. It was another place of peace and serenity.

Overcoming Maladaptive Coping Mechanisms
So then, how does one overcome our maladaptive skills? The first step is as simple as becoming aware of your maladaptive skills. Once you have become aware of those maladaptive skills, I would suggest finding a competent mentor or Life Coach that can help you discover how those behaviors have affected your life in a negative way. Next, along with your mentor and/or life coach, start developing some healthy and constructive skills such as: cycling, hiking, meditating, playing a musical instrument, playing with a beloved pet, practicing yoga, or going for a walk on the beach are just some examples. Find things that help you to feel safe and at peace. Remember, you have had these maladaptive skills for a long time, likely all your life. So, be patient and kind with yourself. Positive change is not easy and takes time.

Call to Action
What is a coping mechanism you are using in your life today, good or bad? Leave your answer in the comments please.

– Randy

You can read more about “Coping Mechanisms” in Chapter 4 of my book “Healing The Wounded Child Within” available on Amazon.

https://www.amazon.com/Healing-Wounded-Child-Within-Guide/dp/B07SPH7VCK/ref=sr_1_2?crid=XING46M5303P&keywords=healing+the+wounded+child+within&qid=1646255863&sprefix=HEaling+the+wounded+child+within%2Caps%2C206&sr=8-2
]]><![CDATA[Anger or Rage]]>Fri, 25 Feb 2022 15:34:42 GMThttp://www.courageoushealers.org/randys-blog/anger-or-rage

Anger or Rage

I'm curious, do you feel it is okay to be angry? I know growing up I was not allowed to be angry. I was told I had no right to be angry. So instead I I’m stuffed and repressed my anger for years, which only resulted in me exploding when I would hit that boiling point. Repressed anger displays itself as rage. This is why people in general see anger as a bad thing. The reality is, anger when used properly is very healing.

What does the bible say about anger? Ephesians 4:26 says: Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger. In other words, take the time to discuss the thing(s) that are making you angry with whomever it is you are angry with. If that is not possible, then do as Psalm 4:4 says – Don’t sin by letting anger control you. Think about it overnight and remain silent. Sometimes the best thing to do, is to just walk away, so we do not say things we will later regret, ie…don’t let your anger control you.

We can use our anger to heal a situation or allow it to escalate into a demeaning argument. The issue is this, as I stated previously, most of us were never taught that being angry was okay, or right. We were never taught how to properly channel that anger. Never taught how to express in a loving way. Like myself, we were only taught that anger was a bad thing. That we had no right to be angry at which time a plethora of reasons was released on us as to why it was wrong.

Next time you’re angry about something, express it in a loving way. If the person your expressing it to says you have no right to be angry they’re wrong, simply walk away and let them own their own feelings.

Randy

Be sure to tune into the Healing Courageously podcast titled "Anger or Rage" where my wife and I dive deeper into this subject. Coming Monday Feb. 28, 2022

Here is the link to the Healing Courageously Podcast of this blog.

Anger or Rage Podcast

]]><![CDATA[The Origin of Shame]]>Wed, 12 Jan 2022 16:42:07 GMThttp://www.courageoushealers.org/randys-blog/the-origin-of-shame6630991Have you ever wondered where shame originated from? You know that one emotion that causes you to feel as though you don’t belong, that you are a mistake. If there is one emotion that can cause a person to fall into a state of deep despair or relapse, it is shame. I lived with an immense amount of shame for thirty-five plus years. I still have it rear its ugly head on a rare occasion. Here’s the thing about shame, it never truly belongs to us. Yet, when a perpetrator cast his/her shame onto their victims, unbeknownst to them, it clings to some like a magnet that keeps them trapped in a victim mentality, sometimes for years without the victim being aware of what is happening to them. I recently came up with a theory of where shame originated from.

We must remember that shame is passed down through the ages from perpetrator to victim. If it has been passed down through the ages, then it must have a starting point. Where that starting point is and who started the cycle of shame rolling is anyone’s guess. Or is it? Everything has a start point. I believe shame started back before we ever existed. Before I continue, I want to say that I have no empirical evidence, only a theory that came to me during a meditation where I was searching for deeper answers. Therefore, what I am about to write is only a theory and remembering that everything has a starting point, including shame, this theory makes perfect sense to me.

I believe that shame first reared its ugly head when Lucifer was cast out of heaven. Imagine if you were Lucifer, the most perfect, beautiful, and powerful angel God has ever created. On top of that you’re the worship leader over Gods choir. However, you have a hard time remaining humble. You become prideful and arrogant. You even start believing you are better than God, which ultimately leads you to your demise. Eventually because of your pride and arrogance that originated from your desire to be God instead of a servant of God, you are cast out of heaven on to the earth to rule the darkness. You were the highest of all the angels, but you weren’t happy being the worship leader of Gods choir. Instead you desired to be God and rule the universe. Therefore, God shunned you and cast you out of heaven as a fallen angel. This is the story of how Lucifer became Satan.

Think for a moment about a time something similar might have happened to you. It might have been when you were an adult, teenager, or child. Remember that feeling of shame that overwhelmed you, we’ve all been there. Now for a moment put yourself in Lucifer’s place. Suddenly you are rejected by God and cast out of heaven onto the earth. You went from being all that, a bag of chips, and kit kat bar, to being the lowest form on earth, a serpent. Imagine the shame he likely felt. They sat “hurt people, hurt people” and shame is one of the most painful kinds of emotional hurt a person can have. Therefore, as humans it’s are tendency to make others feel as we do. Thus, we tend to cast the shame that is on us onto others. Now let’s visit the Garden of Eden now.

When God created man and woman in the Garden of Eden, they were both naked and felt no shame (Genesis 2:25). As God showed them around the Garden of Eden, He told them they could eat out of any tree in the garden except the tree in the center of the garden – The Tree Knowledge and Good and Evil (TKGE). Then enters the serpent or Satan…Adam and Eve are enjoying a stroll through the Garden of Eden when they come to the TKGE. The serpent appears and ask Eve if God really did say you must not eat the fruit from the tree in the center of the garden. Yes, God said, “You must not eat or even touch it; if you do, you will die.” Satan then convinced her that her eyes would be opened as soon as she ate it, and she would be like God, knowing both good and evil. Being convinced and wanting the wisdom it would give her, she took the fruit and ate it. Satan feeling shame from being cast out of heaven had now passed his shame down to the first woman on earth. The woman God had entrusted with a lush garden full everything she needed to sustain life. All she had to do was not eat out of the one tree. Satan knew if she ate from this tree two things would likely happen. First, she would be faced with consequences as he had when he defied God, passing his shame on to her. Secondly, Eve would then pass the fruit onto Adam, thus passing the shame on to him.

Speaking of Adam, where was he while this was happening? According to Genesis 3:6 he was right there with her; ….Then she gave some to her husband, who was with her, and he ate it, too. As husbands, are we supposed to be the spiritual heads of our house and family, correct? Then why did Adam allow Eve to partake in the forbidden fruit while he was standing there with her. Both of them were with God when He told them not to eat from the TKGE? Immediately after eating the fruit their eyes were opened, and they suddenly felt shame at their nakedness. Later in the evening God was walking in the garden. Adam and Eve hid from Him among the trees because they were naked. Shame had forced them to hide from God. When God asked them if they had eaten the forbidden fruit, immediately Adam blamed what had happened on Eve, who in turn said the serpent had deceived her.

Like Satan being cast out of heaven for defying God, Eve was told “her pain will be sharpened by your pregnancy and in pain you will give birth. And you will desire to control your husband, but he rule over you.” (Genesis 3:16). Likewise, he told the man, “Since you listened to your wife and ate from the tree whose fruit I commanded you not to eat, the ground is cursed because of you. All your life you will struggle to scratch a living from it. It will grow thorns and thistles for you, though you will eat of its grains. (Genesis 3:17-18).

I’m hoping if nothing else that you can see how shame is handed down from generation to generation. In my opinion, with Satan being the author of all confusion chaos and everything evil in this world, it’s pretty easy to see where shame originated from and how it gets passed down through generations, generally from people that have power over another person. Those people may include teacher’s, pastors, lawmakers, parents and siblings just to mention a few. Look how it started. Satan defied God, the ultimate supreme being. God in turn used his power to cast Satan out of heaven to earth (rightly so), creating shame in Satan. Satan in turn used his power over a woman to deceive her into partaking of the forbidden fruit, which created shame in her. Eve in turn used her seductive power to deceive Adam into the partaking of the forbidden fruit, which created shame in him. Do you see how the cycle naturally flows from generation to generation? From person to person?

Abuse of any kind, emotional, physical, spiritual, and sexual, are the biggest producer of shame in a person’s life. A father or mother may intentionally or unintentionally use shame as way of provoking their children to do things. The words they often choose, such as; “You’ll never amount to anything,” “Can’t you do anything right,” “How come you can’t be as smart or athletic as your brother/sister,” are all very shaming statements. Punishing your children for just being kids is another shaming act. I’m not saying they don’t need discipline, that’s a subject for another time.

Some pastors will use shaming words or accusations as way of convincing others to believe in God the way they do. Pastors, such as the pastor I had in my youth can inflict tremendous amounts of pain and shame on victims. When he was told by my stepfather what was happening between myself and him, his words of wisdom to me were, and I quote, “Randy it is just part of growing up and you won’t be gay.” I remember to this day the wave of shame that overtook me in that minute. I’ve felt that same shame from a few of my teachers and coaches in an attempt to get me to perform better. They called me out in front of the class or team, often times making belittling remarks to me in front of the whole class, Unbeknownst to them, they are casting more shame on top of the shame I was already carrying.

So, why do people do this? Simply because it was done to them, learned behavior. Does it make it right? Absolutely not. However, when I was taught about this concept by my therapist and confirmed by many of my mentors, it was easier to work towards forgiving those that deeply hurt and scarred me. I would ask you to go back to a time when a parent, teacher, pastor or coach was verbally belittling you. Take the time to sit with the little you that was being abused in that moment. How did they make you feel? Be honest with yourself. Now, is that how you truly want your children, students, congregation, spouse or athletes to feel? You can choose to break the cycle of abuse today. Only you have the power to stop the cycle in your family lineage. I’ll end with this.

Pain travels through family
Lines until someone is ready
To heal it in themselves.
By going through the agony
Of healing you no longer
Pass the poison chalice
onto the generations that
follow. It is incredibly
important and sacred work.
–Unknown

]]><![CDATA[It All Makes Sense]]>Fri, 19 Mar 2021 17:23:29 GMThttp://www.courageoushealers.org/randys-blog/it-all-makes-senseI don’t know exactly where to begin. So, I’m just going to write. No specific goal, no specific ending in mind. I am just going to let it be what it is without any judgement. I hope you can do the same. Life truly is a mystery. If one can just live it “one day at a time” with no expectations, I believe, life would be much simpler. At the young age of sixty-four I am learning more about life than I ever have. I am experiencing feelings that I have either never felt or suppressed for much of my sixty-four years.

There’s a saying I’ve learned; “nothing, absolutely nothing happens in Gods world by accident.” For years I fought and questioned everything that had happened to me. Starting with my parents’ divorce, then my father’s death when I was twelve-years old, He was only thirty-two-year-old. My father robbed of so much of life’s pleasure. The camping and fishing he loved so much he was passionately passing on to me. The joy of watching me grow up and getting married. The joy of having grandchildren, and the joy of being a father. For myself, I felt I was being robbed of the joy and happiness of having my father. A father to sit with me and talk with me. The joy of a father’s support, the joy of learning about life from a father who loved, enjoyed and appreciated life. Just the joy of having a loving father in my life.

I questioned why God would put a stepfather in my life who would emotionally, physically, spiritually, and sexually abuse me. I questioned God why he would guide us to church, becoming devout Christians, yet my mother, a choir member and my stepfather a deacon of the church, would continue abusing me. In fact, the more involved with the church we were, the worse the abuse got. Our pastor at the time even condoned the abuse in an indirect way by telling me in my stepfathers’ presence that the abuse, including sexual abuse, was “just part of growing up and I would not be gay.” Well, abuse of any kind, especially sexual, is not a normal part of growing up. For the next two to three years all forms of abuse got worse.

One thing I never did question God about was the motorcycle accident I was in on Saturday November 18, 1972. That day I had my death experience. I was fifteen years old, all of 140 pounds soaking wet, and riding a motorcycle that was too big for me. After hitting a ditch, I laid on the ground in excruciating pain. The next thing I remembered; I was descending upward. Seeing myself laying on the ground, my motorcycle lying in the ditch, and the boulder my head had hit. Thank God I had was wearing a helmet. Then, I was surrounded by an intensely bright white light which I could not look into, and a peace and serenity beyond comprehension. My pain was completely gone, all of it. As suddenly as all this happened, it was over. I heard Gods soft voice telling me to “fight for my life and never quit fighting.” He told me he would never leave me that he would always be by my side. I just had to keep fighting and fight I have done.

When I arrived at the hospital, they put me in ICU right away. After eight-hours of lying in pain, not knowing where all the internal bleeding was coming from, they wheeled me into surgery. Before doing so, they called our pastor, my mother, and stepfather over to have them give me my last-rights and say their goodbyes as the doctors told them I likely would not make it out of surgery. By a miraculous miracle I survived the accident, trauma, and surgery. The doctors said it was miracle that only God could have performed. My right kidney had been completely smashed like an egg and none of my other internal organs had been touched. It truly was a miracle.

Remember I said I never questioned God about the accident? Well, that is not completely true. In 1986, three years into my marriage with Cathy, we were walking and conversing. I was in one of my victim pity party moods. I turned to Cathy and said, “why didn’t God just take me in 1972 when I was lying dead on the ground?” Before I could finish what I was saying, I heard that same voice I heard that Saturday in 1972 tell me “because you are going to break the chain of abuse in your family and others.” That was almost fifty years ago. What I didn’t know was that I still had another twenty- years’ worth of other things I needed to experience and learn before this revelation would come to pass.

Fast forward to February 1, 2006. I was getting ready for a trip and drinking my Jack Daniels. Once again, I heard the voice of God whispering to me. He softly whispered in my ear; “Randy your get out of jail free cards are all used up. You need help and you need to get it now.” I listened to that voice and five days later my thirty-eight-year pity party, drinking and drugging career came to an end. With the help of some loving and caring mentors and therapist I was able to reconnect with God in a way I never knew to be possible. As I grew in my faith, my recovery also grew. Somewhere along the line God reminded me of what he told me that day while conversing with my wife in 1986. My journey into the healing fields began. What unequivocally answered all the questions I was asking God was found written in a book in a Christian bookstore. The author had signed the book quoting Genesis 50:20 – “You intended to harm me, but God intended it all for good. He brought me to this position so I could save the lives of many people.” It has been seven years since I read that scripture and it is permanently etched in my mind, heart, and soul. It was all starting to make sense.

Skipping ahead to today, fifteen-years into my sobriety and sixteen years into my recovery, a lot has been revealed and brought into the light. Honestly, often times the feelings of peace and serenity I experience seem surreal. I am literally seeing things through a new pair of glasses. The bible tells me in Romans 12:2 – “Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.” The keyword in this scripture is renewing, which is an action word. This is where God has revealed to me that we must take action to renew our mind, it doesn’t just happen. Honestly, this in and of itself is a subject for another blog. I firmly believe the action I have taken over the last sixteen-years to renew my mind is why I have been transformed into a new man. I firmly believe that I have found the Randy that God intended me to be, yet there is still so much more to be revealed. I am in no way the man I was all those ears ago. Just ask my wife and kids.

I decided to write this blog because lately, I have been feeling overwhelmed with a strong sense of gratitude for all that I have taken for granted, for far too long. Number one being the love of my beautiful wife. Not as of late, but for the first twenty-one years of our marriage, I didn’t know what it was like to really love my wife and family. With all that I had done to her, the way I acted in those first twenty-one years of our marriage; I am lucky that she is still in my life. God truly did give me an Angel to spend the rest of my life with.

The simplicity of sitting and watching the hummingbirds in my backyard, spending time with my grandchildren as I watch the miracle of life unfold in the innocence of their childhood. Spending the day in high country chasing antlers with my son, or fishing for catfish all night or all day in the one hundred plus degree weather. Just simply playing with my fur babies gives me so much joy. Most importantly, how when I read the bible it actually speaks out too me, which in turn draws me closer to God.

Like I said in the beginning, I’m just going to write. No specific goal, no specific ending in mind. I am just going to let it be what it is without any judgement. I hope you can do the same. The reality is, I can’t really put into words the way I feel. I wish I could. I wish there was a pill I could give you that would cause you to feel the freedom and happiness I feel. Then, just maybe, you’d be willing to do the work I have done to achieve this feeling. Being real, all days are not always glorious. I still have days that I struggle, my wife and I still have our quarrels. The only difference is, we know what we have to do to resolve them quickly. Oh, as far as my wife, I honestly never really knew that loving her could feel so good, so right. Thirty-seven years of marriage and I fall more in love with her every day, and it’s only because we have God the father, God Yahweh at the center of our marriage and lives. Finally, It All Makes Sense.

]]><![CDATA[Approval Seeking]]>Mon, 18 Jan 2021 15:46:16 GMThttp://www.courageoushealers.org/randys-blog/approval-seeking2464154
It is possible that seeking approval is the single most common, and possibly the most painful addiction ever created by mankind. It can be more devastating than heroin, more addictive than cocaine, and more ubiquitous than food. If this sounds too dramatic, consider the following:

• Wanting to end the feeling of not being loved or accepted by others often is at the heart of addictions, depressions and desperate actions.
• Reflecting on your own life, notice when you have said “yes” when you meant “no,” in order to earn the approval of someone else.
There is no reason to feel bad about seeking approval. Everyone does it. However, the degree to which approval-seeking is harmful can be directly proportional to the extent to which we need someone else’s love or approval in order to feel okay. In my own case, the more I wanted to be loved and approved of, the more toxic the approval seeking was for me.

Children raised in healthy loving homes tend to have high self-esteem. In terms of seeking approval, this means that they are able to self-validate. However, this is not to say they do not need approval from others in order to feel good about themselves. They just need it to a lesser degree than children who have lower self-esteem.

Survivors of sexual abuse who have not gotten help to deal with the consequences tend to have very low self-esteem. I certainly did, which can create a powerful addiction to the approval of other people. Since I was incapable of loving myself, I needed other people to do it for me.

Because many abused children lose their sense of self, they tend to seek external validation, and may even become dependent on it as a surrogate sense of self. Seeking approval from others can be incredibly painful. By needing other people to approve of us, we are sending ourselves the message that our opinion is not good enough. Constant approval-seeking sends ourselves the message that other people’s opinions about us are more important than our own. It reinforces the horrible belief that we need to suppress our own desires, personality and needs in order to win approval from others.

Because I did not get any validation or approval of any kind from my mother and stepfather, I started seeking that validation and approval wherever I could find it and I found it with those that were drinking and drugging. Unfortunately, this is what led to the beginning of a 33-year run of alcohol and drug abuse, which in no way helped with my self-esteem
.
Because I so desperately needed the approval and validation of who I was as a person, for a time, I sacrificed all my morals and ethics. I knew that drinking and drugging was wrong. I just didn’t care anymore. For the next 30-plus-years, I sacrificed my morals and ethics countless times to fit in with others. I would change who I was, and how I acted based on whom I was with and what I was doing — I had become a chameleon.

Five years into my recovery I was faced with my toughest challenge. This challenge would test my need for approval in a way I had never imagined. I had spent 21-years building a very large and successful construction company. When the economy crashed in 2008 I was fortunate enough to have had two-years worth of work on the books. As I watched multiple companies’ fall around me and several people I knew commit suicide as a result of financial ruin, I managed to keep my business stable and liquid. However in 2011 things would take a turn for the worst.

I had always been a competitive bidder, being the number one or two bidder and often times getting last look. However between 2008 and 2011 I was no longer getting jobs from some of my loyal contacts, it seemed that my numbers were no longer competitive. No matter how much I shaved off my bottom line, I was always getting beat by thirty, forty, and even fifty percent. People were getting desperate and literally giving their work away. Being financially okay and the business being liquid it was time to make a decision.

I was no longer willing to sacrifice my morals and ethics to get work and essentially make others happy by caving into their demands. After spending literally a month in my office, exhausting all my resources, and talking to countless business men I trusted about my options, my wife and I made the decision to close the business we had put so much blood, sweat, and tears into. I was walking away from my biggest accomplish in my life and little did I know how much my identity was tied to that business.

The next year was the hardest year of my life. I had achieved a level of success I never thought possible. I had eighty employees who loved working for me and I was well known in the community. The best thing of all was that I proved my mother and stepfather wrong, I was not an idiot that would amount to nothing. I had no idea how much I had tied my identity to my business. Approval seeking had become a covert means of validating my importance and I was totally unaware of it. Suddenly there I was, standing naked in front of the whole world with nothing externally left to validate me. Now what? All that was left was to learn to love myself.

I can honestly say that after working on my self for the past several years, I no longer need others approval to survive. I have learned how to love myself and do what makes me happy, even if others do not approve. Do I still want the approval of others? Absolutely. I believe it is an innate desire of human beings. However, I no longer need that approval in order to feel comfortable in my own skin.]]><![CDATA[What if I Told You....]]>Mon, 28 Dec 2020 21:59:15 GMThttp://www.courageoushealers.org/randys-blog/what-if-i-told-youWhat if I told you I believe I have the key to true happiness and freedom from resentments and anger towards the person who abused you? Then, what if I told you that you hold the key to that freedom and happiness within yourself? Would you be willing to do what it takes to feel that happiness and freedom?

Good. Now that you have said yes, what if I told you r found gaining that freedom and happiness was as simple as forgiving the person who abused me? Now wait a minute, Randy. That's asking a lot. Yes I know, and it was my biggest roadblock to true happiness and freedom as well.

Today, I can honestly say, that for me, forgiveness has been the key to enabling me to find true freedom and happiness. And as difficult as it may be to consider, I believe it can be especially true for survivors of abuse or anyone who has resentments and contempt for people who have harmed them.

Eleven years ago, I would have laughed at that statement.

It seemed that all anyone would say to me whenever I talked about how much I despised my abusers was, ''You just need to forgive, forget, and move on, Randy." These are what I considered to be three of the most damaging words you could tell a survivor. My reply was always the same; you have no iidea what they did to me. If what happened to me happened to you, you'd feel this way yourself.

Today, I will say that in fact, one way to achieve true freedom and happiness actually is to forgive and move on. However, that is a process that will take time. How much time is up to you, this is your journey. Forgiveness can be quite short happening in a matter of minutes or it can take years, it very much depends on the nature of the hurt and the unique story of􀁈e situation and emotion. No one has the right to tell you how quickly you should forgive. For myself it was about three years into my recovery, when r reached the place where I was finally able to fully forgive my abusers. Just know that the journey awaits you whenever you are ready.

One of my biggest fears was that I believed forgiving meant condoning the abuse or letting my abusers off the hook. I knew that my hatred and rage were poisoning me-while ironically, having no effect whatsoever on my abusers. But I was terrified to let those feelings go, for they had come to define me. Without them, I didn't know who I would be. So how could I forgive them and give up the feelings which had kept me safe for thirty-plus years?

What I learned along my journey was, first and foremost that forgiveness was solely for myself and not for the person who had harmed me. In forgiving, the chains which bound me to that abusive person were severed. I was unshackled from the chains that kept me bound in my resentment, anger and hate. I was finally free.

Even more important is understanding what forgiveness is not. Josh Howerton, a pastor in Spring Hill, Tennessee, has stated my thoughts succinctly (with my comments following in parentheses) about what forgiveness is not:

1.Forgiveness is not approving or diminishing the abuse or sin. (The sinfulness of the abuse never changes.

2. Forgiveness is not denying a wrong-doing. (It can never be denied that you were abused and hurt.)

3. Forgiveness is not waiting for an apology. (You forgive the abusive person, whether or not he or she ever apologizes.)

4. Forgiveness is not forgetting. (You will never forget.)

5. Forgiveness is not ceasing to feel the pain. (It's okay for it to hurt, but just don't stay stuck in the pain.)

6. Forgiveness is not trusting. (You need to be exceedingly careful about whom you trust.)

7. Forgiveness is not neglecting justice. (You can forgive and still pursue justice.)

8. Forgiveness does not mean reconciliation. (You are not required to allow your abuser back in your life, or to have a relationship with him or her.)

Hopefully this interpretation of forgiveness will help give you a broader view about what forgiveness might look like and will enable you to think about beginning to move forward towards the freedom and happiness you deserve to have. For further reading, there is a whole chapter in my book Healing the Wounded Child Within (see page 235) dedicated to forgiveness.
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