(LR): Dear Randy, I don’t know how or where to start this. How do I start? (AR): Little Randy what’s on your mind? (LR): Remember Randy how dad would come pick us up on the weekends? We’d sit so anxiously and excited waiting to see him pull up in his truck & camper. He never drug us into his and moms stuff, and never said a bad word about mom to us. Randy there’s a lot of stuff that happened before dad died and the sexual abuse started.
You remember when you were still in your highchair in our house on Karen Ave. Mom and dad were being mean to you because you wouldn’t eat your squash and dad got really mad at you. (AR): Yes, but that was because mom was impatient with me and dad was tired of me crying? (LR): Remember the birthday party with cake, ice cream, and pin the tail on the donkey? (AR): Yes, I do. It seems like such a long time ago, yet at the same time it feels like just yesterday. (LR): Hey, you remember that morning you got angry with all the motorcycles driving up and down the street early in the morning? Remember how you thought you were going to go out and tell them all to stop? (AR): Yes, I thought I was pretty tough. I had to because dad did not live with us anymore.
I love dad so much and it’s so hard to be mad at him. Yet, some days I don’t know how to feel. All I know is that other than that one-time dad was never mean to mean me. When I was with him, he might not have been right by my side, but he always made me feel loved. Just like the time we had the fire drill at school, and he was one of the firemen who came to the school. I remember the excitement and anticipation as he walked towards my class. Was he going to see me and come up to me? Suddenly there he was. Right in front of everyone he came to me picked me up and checked on my black eye. I remember how good I felt, how special and proud I felt. Dad wasn’t perfect, but he sure did love me.
(LR) Randy what about mom? How come she’s so mean and angry? How come she seems to pick on us over Richard? How come we were always the ones getting soap put in our mouths when we didn’t do anything wrong? (AR) I know, I don’t have an answer although I have a theory. What is the theory Randy? Well mom and dad had to get married because of mom getting pregnant with me. I know that because of the dates on their wedding license and my birth certificate. I really believe we were a mistake and once they got a divorce it only made mom madder at us.
(LR)You remember mom telling us how she wanted a girl and her name as going to be Michelle? How she said she still almost named us Michelle? Do you think she loved us Randy? (AR)Yes, she’s our mother and watching Cathy with our kids, a mother’s love is undying. I will tell you this, even though she loved us, she despised us. When we were around family gatherings and picnics everything seemed great. Yet, when we got home everything was a different story.
(LR)Randy listen to me please; I need to talk. I can’t remember her ever being loving and caring toward me. She would work late, and I had to cook dinner for myself and Richard. She would go out at night and leave me with Susie and Jamie Welch who would scare and beat me. She didn’t care about us. All she cared about was herself…. Shut up Randy don’t say it…. I know, I know, she had to work to support us. But she didn’t have to spend all her spare time at bars or parties on the weekend. She could have worked, came home, loved us, fed us, and been there for us when we were hurting after dad died. But she wasn’t.
Thank God for granny and gramps. Remember how granny would hold and rock you in the rocking chair, humming to you in front of the old window A/C unit. I felt so loved, protected and safe, something mom could never provide. Remember how granny would take us to Iceland ice skating rink. We’d skate for a couple of hours and have so much fun. I don’t know what our life would have been like if it weren’t for granny and gramps.
Randy, I want you to finish this book. I know we are going to help thousands of men. I want you to finish it so we can put all of this behind us. It will never go away and I know you are going to continue to help men and possibly even write another book. I just want us to be happy, joyous and free. I want us to be able to turn our focus on the positive good that you have and have always had in your life.
I already feel you are changing. I feel you are starting to stay focused on the positive. I’m tired just like you are. It’s time for us to enjoy life. Randy, most importantly do not ever walk away from God again, please I’m begging you not to do this. God has been the one that has protected us through all of this, even when you turned your back Him. I love the way you stay close to him today and I know it’s hard. I know your spirit wants and thrives to get closer to God, but you still have some of those childhood scars that need healing. Just keep trusting, believing, and praying and those scars like others have, will be healed. Please keep moving forward Randy. I love you Randy; you are my hero. You’re braver and more courageous than any man I know. Dad would be so proud of you today.
Be good to you, be good to us.